


We Carry on Our Backs the Burden Time Always Reveals

by mcgarrygirl78



Series: The Story of Us [4]
Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M, Family, Friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-01
Updated: 2013-09-01
Packaged: 2017-12-25 06:47:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/949958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She was so used to doing it on her own, not sure anymore if life handed that down to her or if she stumbled onto the path somewhere along the way.  Being a relatively lone wolf wasn’t easy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	We Carry on Our Backs the Burden Time Always Reveals

**Author's Note:**

> This story takes place right after Will You Love Me Again like You Loved Me Before. The title is from the Sarah McLachlan song, Fallen, which I listened to a lot while writing.

The first time she woke up it was raining. At least she thought it was raining. The sound was possibly white noise, Erin heard a lot of white noise these days. Her eyelids were too heavy to open but she was well aware that she was awake. Was she alive? 

Now Erin was afraid to open her eyes. It didn’t rain in hell so that was some kind of good sign. Right? Erin always imagined that hell was similar to a long line in a coffee shop or supermarket. Obnoxious people being obnoxious for all eternity. 

Maybe it was a never ending road trip on I-95 during construction around the Corridor. You didn’t get to choose who was in the car with you and the air conditioner was out. She was slipping again, didn’t know how to hold on or let go. The noise sounded farther and farther away and then Erin couldn’t hear it at all. There was nothing but the darkness, the quiet, and her.

000

The light was harsh but not blinding. Erin squinted, which made it worse. She didn’t want to open her eyes but really had no choice. Maybe this was heaven, or maybe she forgot to close the curtains last night. Maybe Mark knew she was a mess and left her there while taking the girls to breakfast so they wouldn’t ask too many questions. Maybe he’d run off with the girls like she’d threatened to last night. Surely he could convince some judge that she was an unfit mother.

“Mark!” she exclaimed, sitting up and then immediately lying back down. The room was spinning. “Mark!”

“Hey now, calm down.” A man rushed over and put his hands on her shoulders to hold her down. She looked frightened and disoriented. It seemed like she wanted to fight but didn’t have the strength. “Everything is going to be alright. Just relax and breathe.”

“Mark? Kirk? Kirk, is that you?”

“It’s me kiddo, and you need to relax. Do you promise me you're not going to jump out of bed?”

“You're holding me down.” Erin said.

“I mean when I let go. Do you promise me?”

“I promise.”

She cleared her throat as he let her go. Erin watched as he walked across the room and got her a glass of water. She tried to get comfortable in the uncomfortable bed; he handed her the glass. Even though her vision was blurry and she had a splitting headache, Erin immediately knew where she was. There was only one place in the world where the beds were this uncomfortable.

“I didn’t try to kill myself.” She mumbled.

“Alright.” Kirk was bringing the chair from the other side of the room by the window. 

“I mean it.”

“Drink your water. I honestly don’t even know if I'm supposed to give that to you since they gave you bags full of saline. You were dehydrated when you came in.”

“Whatever Mark said is a lie, Kirk.”

“Mark didn’t say anything.” The Deputy Director of the FBI shook his head. “Is there anything you want to tell me?”

“If Mark didn’t tell you anything then what are you doing here? I don’t even know what I'm doing here.”

“Mark called me on Friday night. He was frantic and said that an ambulance had just taken you from the house to the hospital. He wanted to be with you but couldn’t leave the girls. I told him that Marjorie and I were on our way. She stayed with the girls and we came here.”

“Friday night?” Erin asked. She sipped her water. Was it just her or did Kirk hear it hit the bottom of her stomach as well? She was starving and struggled to remember the last time she ate. It would be easier if she knew what day it was.

“Today is Sunday.” He said.

“Oh my God,” she put the water glass down and ran her hands over her face. “Was I in a coma?”

“You were sedated. They pumped your stomach when you arrived but there was no food in it. Doctors thought it might have been 48 hours or more since you’d eaten. They didn’t want to say you’d slipped into a pill induced coma but thought it was possible considering.”

“I didn’t try…”

“I hear you, kiddo.”

“But you don’t believe me.” Erin couldn’t look at him when she said it.

“All I believe is that I thought I was going to lose you and you're still here.” Kirk said.

“Where’s Mark?”

“He went to the airport to pick up your mother. She's coming to help take care of the girls while you recover.”

“Recover from what…what did he tell her?”

“Erin, let’s stop talking about Mark for a moment and talk about you. You think I don’t know that you're falling through the darkness? I've tried to help, be there for you, and you push me away. I know you need help. 

“You're not going to get through this alone. I'm not going to let you be alone anymore. I'm putting my foot down. I know I'm a man and have no idea what you've been through. But I know I love you and watching you self-destruct breaks my heart.”

“I'm going to get help.” She whispered.

“You’ve said that before.” He said.

“I mean it. I need to get myself together…I don’t even know who I am anymore. I'm just taking pills and drinking cocktails and then it’s the next day. And I'm taking pills and drinking cocktails again. I don’t even know the last time I spent any real time with my daughters. My work is suffering and my marriage is over.”

“What do you mean your marriage is over? Mark hasn’t left your bedside since they admitted you on Friday night.”

“He feels guilty.”

Kirk didn’t know what to say. He liked Mark Cramer. He was a likable guy. But in their town people had a million different ways to be likable. Mark was ambitious but he wasn’t sinister. 

It might not be a good idea to get on his bad side but that was the last thing Kirk worried about. He knew that Mark loved Erin and loved his family. They came second to his work; that was a hazard of the job. But it was a close second. Kirk knew what that was like. 

He remembered when Erin came to him, worried that Mark was either going to propose soon or not at all. She loved the man and he told her not to fight that. Sharing your life with someone, especially someone who got you and still loved you was a gift. It wasn’t going to be perfect, ever. If he didn’t ask and she wanted it than she needed to get it. 

He asked but Kirk already knew that was coming. He knew it from the moment he met Mark at Erin’s graduation from the Academy. If there was a word stronger than ensorcelled then it described Mark Cramer where his wife and girls were concerned. Kirk expected to hear of peace between Israel and Palestine before hearing that Erin and Mark’s marriage was over.

“What happened?”

“I'm starving.” Erin rubbed her stomach. “Do you think they'd let me have some real food? I hate hospital food.”

“You have a better chance of convincing them to let you run the Marine Marathon.” Kirk replied. He looked at his watch. “Lunch will be here soon. They’ve brought food every day. The pudding last night was decent. It was butterscotch.”

“You’ve been here since Friday night?” she asked. 

Erin tried not to get choked up. She didn’t know why she expected any different. Kirk Douglas wasn’t the kind of person who said he had your back but disappeared when the shit hit the fan. Still, there were less than a handful of people in whose hands Erin could lay her life. When they came through it was like each time was the first. She was so used to doing it on her own, not sure anymore if life handed that down to her or if she stumbled onto the path somewhere along the way. Being a relatively lone wolf wasn’t easy.

“I've been here since you’ve been here. Marjorie is with the girls.”

“Kirk, can I ask you something?” Erin took just a sip of water. 

Her stomach was so empty that it almost hurt to drink it. There was a fair share of needles in her veins. One of them was probably for nutrients but nothing was a substitute for real food. While she was sure it would still taste like warmed over death, this was a death Erin actually looked forward to.

“You can ask me anything.” He said.

“Honestly?”

“100% honest.” Kirk nodded.

“Have you ever cheated on Marjorie?” 

“No,” he shook his head. “Asterisk.”

“Asterisk?” Erin raised an eyebrow. Oh God, not Kirk too. She had to be able to believe in at least one man. Maybe she shouldn’t even let him finish but the door was opened. Erin couldn’t back out even if she wanted to.

“Marjorie and I had been married for about 12 years when her asshole brother got married. He didn’t want me in the wedding and I didn’t want to be but her parents were insistent. For his bachelor party he and his asshole friends went to every gentlemen’s club in the area and made asses of themselves. I got chatty with a dancer in one of them, I was the designated driver and all I wanted to do was kill Kip and go home. 

“She gave me a sexy lap dance; said I was too tense. She also kissed me. When I got home, I told Marjorie everything. I also told her that when this farce was over I was never coming back to Boca. I've held that promise.”

“Getting a lap dance isn’t cheating. Married men do it all the time.”

“Every lap dance isn’t the same, kiddo. Honestly, in 150 years of marriage I've never even had the inclination to bed a woman who wasn’t my wife. Don’t get me wrong, I know a beautiful woman when I see one. Every man has a type. But Marjorie is more than just a woman I go to bed with. She takes care of me when I'm sick, knows when to pull me back from the edge; she’s my partner. She gave birth to my children and somehow convinced them that I'm a decent father.”

“Mark cheated on me.”

“Was it a whore?” Kirk asked. In this town the only thing more plentiful than politicians and pundits were whores. 

“Yes and no. Some nameless, faceless woman in Vienna.”

“Austria?”

“Don’t say it like that, as if the damn zip code matters.” Erin replied.

“No, I…I just didn’t expect to hear that. How did you find out?”

“He told me.”

“How long has he been keeping her?” Kirk asked.

“He’s not keeping her; I don’t think he's keeping her. He claimed it happened once and it was only a blowjob. I don’t believe him.”

“Why tell you a half-truth if he knew it would destroy the marriage anyway. Men don’t tell half-truths, Erin, they tell half-lies.”

“He cheated on me.”

“Some Austrian girl gave him a happy ending.”

“You're going to defend him? Seriously?” her tone was incredulous. She almost said you're supposed to be on my side but no one could ever say that and sound older than 12. Erin closed her eyes. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”

“You need to rest anyway. You’ll most likely get out of here tomorrow or Tuesday. But you're staying home for the rest of the week to convalesce.”

“I don’t need…”

“Don’t even.” Kirk shook his head. “We’re not going to argue because you don’t have the strength. And even if you did I would still win. Sometimes I'm just going to have to be the boss of you. Now is one of those times.”

“Kirk, I'm…” Mark stopped as soon as he was over the threshold. He looked at the Deputy Director and then looked at his wife. “You're awake. I didn’t know you were awake.”

“I'm glad you're here.” Kirk stood up from the chair. “I need to check on Marjorie and I really need a shower. I smell like antiseptic and spilt coffee.”

“Don’t go.” Erin reached out for him.

“Hey now,” he sat down on the bed beside her. Kirk put his hands on either side of her face and pulled her close. He whispered to her; wanted to make sure that only Erin heard him. She nodded and put her hands on top of his. When he went to move away, Erin held him there a little longer. “I’ll be back tomorrow to see you. Is there anything you want me to bring you from home?”

“No. If I'm lucky I won't have to be here much longer.”

“Love you, kiddo.” Kirk kissed her cheek and got up from the bed.

“Love you too.” Erin held up her hand. “Bye.”

“Drive safely out there.” Mark put his hand on Kirk’s shoulder as he walked by. “The roads are slick.”

“Thanks.” He leaned to whisper to him. “Take care of her.”

Mark didn’t know what to say. He’d been trying to for eight months and had failed miserably. Failing was something he rarely did; he wasn’t good at it. Failing Erin was agonizing. Once Kirk was gone, Mark moved further into the room.

“I don’t want you in here.” Erin shook her head.

“We need to talk.” He said.

“There's nothing left to say. I think you’ve said enough.”

“Did you know you were pregnant?” Mark asked.

“What?”

Mark sat down in the seat that Kirk occupied. Erin didn’t want to look at him. She slowly turned her back, putting her hand over her flat stomach. She was pregnant. She couldn’t have been pregnant. She was taking so many medications and drinking so much. What kind of affect would that have on her unborn child?

“Did you know, Erin?”

“No.”

“The doctor said you were nine weeks. They had to do all kinds of blood and urine tests after they brought you in on Friday night.”

“Is the baby alright?” it hurt her to ask. This was the last thing Erin ever expected to hear. This was the last thing she ever wanted to hear.

“I don’t know.” Mark shook his head but his wife wasn’t looking at him. “You didn’t miscarry but the doctors want to keep a close eye on you. You were very ill when you were admitted. You hadn’t been eating, you were drinking, and taking medications that could be harmful to a fetus. I know you have a lot on your shoulders right now, and I'm not going to give you more, but…”

“I don’t know if I want to have this baby.”

“Whatever you do Erin I'm always going to love you and stand by you.” He said. “Whatever decision you make will be difficult. You don’t have to make it alone but I understand if you do.”

“I want you to leave, Mark. I don’t want you to stand by me; it’s too late for that.”

“Please don’t make me leave you.” Mark reached out for her but stopped short of touching her. “You shouldn’t be alone right now. I want to be with you. When I found you passed out on the bed, I didn’t know what to think. I thought I lost you and I had this fleeting moment when…”

“Where is my mother?” Erin asked, cutting him off. She didn’t want to know how he felt. She didn’t want to think about being passed out.

“She's at the house with the girls. She wanted to relieve Marjorie.”

Erin wanted her mother there. Mark could go home with the girls. She didn’t want to talk to him…she just couldn’t do that right now. She needed space, she needed food, and she needed a shoulder to cry on.

“I’ll call her.” Mark got up and left the room. 

They were going to work this out. He didn’t know what he was going to do if they didn’t work it out. Right now though, focusing on Erin’s well-being was more important than what he wanted. It would be hard to take care of her if she continued to push him away. Mark wasn’t the kind of give up easily. Too much was at stake for the both of them.

***


End file.
